the untouchables

I have a very hard time trusting people, even the people closest too me, I always have to wonder what their true intentions are, even when they are good intentions.. I know it's because I've been hurt, and lied too and manipulated. There's only a select few that I've chosen to keep around, I forgive easily but I never forget. This is my curse. I have a wall up 24/7 and I never let anyone see behind it, because when I was younger people kept trying to tear me down. I'm talking about grown adults that had nothing better to do then break down little kids dreams to seek their long waited high school revenge or something, It's actually pretty sad. When you are little you look to your elders as examples, you want to look up to them. You want them to like you, and to love you, that's it. When you are little, all you really yearn for is to be loved and when you have that one person that breaks you down anytime they see a glimmer of happiness in your eye, its hard not to be hurt and angry all the time. It's hard to trust people who are trying to help or be nice and loving because you're just not used to it.. It's in the back of your head constantly "What's the catch?" "Why is this person being nice to me?" You are always second guessing people. ALWAYS. and that is a Damn shame. So you grow up with these thoughts in the back of your head, making this fake personality, this mask of "Nobody can hurt me" "I never cry" "What people say doesn't bother me" But it does, more than anyone knows, and they don't know that because you are telling them that you are UNTOUCHABLE all the time, you are lying to yourself all the time. People see you as this confident person, you want that. You don't want anyone to know that You had that step parent, or that friend, or that sibling that physically or mentally hurt you everyday as a child. You don't want them to know that you were jealous of all those kids that had the loving family, who got to hang out with friends or have sleepovers while you were at home sitting in the corner for hours, or alone crying yourself to sleep. You don't want people to see you differently then they do now. You don't want to be that person, you've only told family of your experiences, of your hurt and keeping it all in eats at your heart a little more everyday. That everyday of your life, you have that thought in your head eating and eating and eating at you, "How could anyone hate a child that much, that their mission in life was to see this little person suffer?" You don't feel like you were a bad child, you had friends, you were nice most of the time, you did your homework and got good grades, you did your chores. So why were you hated so much? What were you doing so wrong that everyone else wasn't doing? All you want is for your parents to love you unconditionally, your parents are supposed to be the ones praising you and pushing you to do better, rewarding you for the good things you do, making you want to be a better person, and when they don't, and instead are criticizing you and making you feel like scum no matter how hard you try, what then do you do? Your 10 years old, you feel like their is no escape and that you are all alone and nobody is on your side, Your mom doesn't believe you, You feel like your mom doesn't like you because this person claims that you are awful, that you don't listen, she doesn't see the way you are treated when she isn't home, she doesn't hear what your called when she walks out of the room, and you stay quiet, because you constantly have this fear that if you reveal any of this, she wont believe and it will back fire and make life so much worse, that you are just saying that because "You don't like him" You can't say anything to anyone else because your mom is your favorite person and you are literally terrified that you will get taken away from her, or that she will hate you for telling. They've pulled your siblings into it, they make fun of you and hurt you because they don't want that person getting mad at them and hurting them, and maybe if they are mean to me too, he will like them more? No Child... NO PERSON should ever be made to feel like they are alone, that their is no way out, that they aren't worth it. It affects them so badly, it makes it harder for them to love and to trust because they feel as though they weren't loved or trusted. Through all those years bricks get added until that little child is just a hurt bitter adult wasting away wondering when things are going to get better, when someone is really going to love them, or treat them the way deep down they know they should be treated. Times like these is when trips to visit grandparents and friends are more like safe havens then visits... This is me... and if I hadn't had a child of my own, with a chance to give her everything  I wanted as a child and protect her from everything that hurt me, I'd still be that sad little girl. My daughter breaks my wall down, gives me a reason, makes me want to give, trust and love. I made a promise to myself the day I got pregnant, that my child would never have to hurt the way I hurt, and I will do anything in my power to keep that promise. Treat your children the way you would like to be treated, love them and show them that they are loved, protect them from the hurt as much as you can, and praise them, give them a reason to try, to want to be better. Be a Parent, and Parent with love.

Every Princess needs a Castle.

I'm stuck in a place of coziness and happiness, and I don't think I'll be able to get out of it. Emberlynn and I have our daily routines. Breakfast or as she likes to call it "fre-frast" we watch our morning cartoons, cuddle while we wake up, make our beds and then get ready for school and work. Then we get home, put our shoes away, dinner and playing with blocks, bath time and story time, then I clean, and then sit quietly and read why my baby girl slips into dream land, this is us everyday. Some may find it boring, I find it utterly comfortable, this is how I wanted my life to be as a little girl, Structured, loving and fun. Being able to give my daughter this as a mother is so rewarding. Though I don't find time to do things other 20 year olds are doing, like partying or just hanging out, I'm content with that, because the rare times that I do have a chance to go "hang out" I'm missing Emberlynn and want to be home cuddling with her the whole time. I'm in a place where I'd like to wake up at 4:00 am and go to the gym, if by chance there was someone to stay with Emberlynn while I went.. I start my first adult class at church tonight, On my way to becoming a better catholic and going to church every sunday. Which so far I have been really bad at. The only person my age that I really ever see is my best friend Meaghan, But that's my life, she is happy to hang out with me at home with Emberlynn, where others are not. I'm crafting now, making tutu's, block letters and actually decorated my apartment for fall. I cut Emberlynn's lunches into shapes and designs, put cute little lables on all her stuff, volunteer for snack days at her school,  I'm becoming one of "those mom's" and I honestly couldn't feel anymore happy about it. I'm loving being a single mom, It's a rush for me to know that I can provide and do this all on my own and still be happy, and more importantly have a happy baby. Here are some pictures of my latest crafts and Emberlynns Halloween costume, I am buying myself a new computer shortly, so I will start blogging more.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Alone

Havent written since March, probably cause I don't have time to do anything . Ha. I'm getting a little burnt out but I'm gonna keep goin. I work 9 hours a day 5-6 days a week and am a full time mom. Emberlynns Dad moved out of state so no more every other weekends. Which is Hard on me because those every other weekend was the little bit of social life I had but its even harder on Emberlynn. She is always sayin, " Where dad go?"  I say he moved and will come visit. Hopefully Im not fibbing. It'd be nice to have someone help. I see all these other moms posting about their babies having a sleepover with grandma or hanging out with auntie. and thats how it was for me growing up I was always at one of my grandmas. Or with my aunt or cousins. I feel bad for Emberlynn that she doesnt have that . any time I am in need of a sitter theres no one. no one wants to help. which to me asking once a month for a sitter for 1 night is not a lot at all by any means . sometimes you need a break. It makes me angry really. Then people in my family comment about me being single or suggest where to go to meet people, all I can say is "you have to leave to meet people and none of you help me with a sitter so I never get to leave to meet anyone. get off my back." I just wish Emberlynn got to have a grandma like I did. my favorite memories of growing up are with my grandparents, most kids are. But Ive gotten used to the fact that IM doing this on my own in more ways then one. everyone just needs a break every once in awhile. Not complaining. I love Emberlynn I love having her everyday. but sometimes it would be nice to be able to pee by myself. I think everyone has just forgotten that I am 19 and still young. I need to get out and go on adventures . even if it is once every 4 months.

hello again my old friend

Its been quite awhile since I've posted. I havent had time to post. I work full time and am raising my beautiful 18 month old by myself. Its so worth it thougt  Im doing everything I saod I would, Im providing a noce home for my daughter. good food. clothes and now a new car. I want my daughter  to feel proud of me and think " hey, my mom did this all for me" because thats the truth. she's keepin me goin everyday gettin me out of bed and to work on time. she is a little butt sometimes but sweetest baby i could ever ask for. I look at my daughter everyday and just feel up with Joy knowing I created her. I get to raise her and teach her, help her with homework and make her lunch, style her hair for her. I get to be here and watch my miracle grow up into an amazing lady. I know I dont write enough Im gonna try to do better just like I'm gonna try to read more. and hopefully date a little.. as of now my social life is  a big fat nothing lol.

independent

I haven't posted in quite awhile but decided that since yesterday was thanksgiving that I would tell you all what I am thankful for. I am thankful to be a mom. To care and spend time with my little girl and give her the love she needs like all parents should. I am thankful for my amazing job. my amazing and caring bosses. knowing I have job security. my apartment. oh my cute little apartment. I love having space for just me and Emberlynn. I am thankful to be able to pay my own bills. to be able to give Emberlynn all she neefs. and that the reason I am able to do all this is from the amazing support and help I get from my family. I am thankful for every thing I have and Everyone  I have and love. I am thanlful for my independence.

What happens when you put your trust in people who are untrustworthy.

I am tired of people saying they are someone their not. Telling you all these wonderful things about themselves to pull you into their web only to later find out that there was not one thing they said to you that was the truth. If you ask someone not to hurt you and they promise, and they swear, and you wanna believe them and you wanna give them a chance so you do, You let your guard down for a split second only to regret it seconds after. I'm sick of liars, People who are scared of those of us that give our full honesty in everything we say and do, People that think we are rude or take caution to us because they are afraid of being told what they've been trying to tune themselves out too. I want once to put my faith in someone, all my trust, and for it to be worth it, for them not to take that trust and use it up and spit it back at you. I wish I could see people for who they really were before I gave them a chance. I wish I'd actually listen to my head more often because it's always right, and not listening after just makes me feel so incredibally stupid and I know I am not a stupid person. Thats what irritates me so much. I know I am smarter then this. But I fall so fast, and hard and it takes me a few minutes after to realize what it is that I've done wrong. I wanna yell at you. Tell you that your a liar and a fraud because thats honesty from my point of few, but I honestly don't see why I should. It wouldn't do a thing, It wouldn't change a thing. Your just a waste of words to me now. Just a waste of words.

how can we be friends

Feeling needed felt good for the moment it was there, then it disappeared and I realized that most everyone of them is the same, and I needed to look and make sure that if I put any effort into something that its worth it and that person is in fact different from all the rest. Unfortunetly, I have a sad lonely feeling like that won't happen soon, or ever, and that thought really makes me sad, is there really not a decent guy left out there that makes my stomach do back flips? I don't wanna settle for a just maybe. I'm tired of just Maybes. I'm only 18, I have alot ahead of me, but I've also been through more than most, I've had to grow way faster than most women my age. I'm a mom, and I want to get married and have my cute family one day. I want someone there I an call my own, that I can count on to stick around. I know the whole fairy tale love thing might be too much to ask for but I feel lost in my life and I feel like I could find someone to fill that space, to find me among this mess I've created for myself. I don't want a prince charming, I want an honest, caring person, and these days, thats far too hard to find, and my feet are getting tired from searching. I'm scared that I'm just broken and unfixable. I was hurt at too young an age and now I can't get back up from the fall. I know That I'm stronger than that but I have days where I really doubt myself and get depressed. I think alot of it is that I work so much, I don't have time to put effort into social things, and I'm young and need those social things, but my little bit of extra time I wanna spend with my daughter, and I need the hours I have to pay bills. So Conclusion on this long rant is that I'm confused, sad and lonely and I feel like instead of rescuing other people and myself it would feel damn could to be rescued for once.