Princess Emberlynn is 1!

Don't just Be. Be Honest.

I don't wanna sound like a broken record and repeat things i've posted. But i've kinda been slacking and am in the mood to write. I'm just laying in bed looking at my cute little pink laptop screen with a feeling in the pit of my stomach, like a pill in my throat. I wanna cry just for the sake of crying, yet I have nothing to cry about. I don''t like this. Emberlynns first birthday was a week ago and I really need to upload her pictures and make a post about her party. I've been on an honesty kick lately. I've been so honest, and it's bitten me in the butt here and there but I feel awesome. I've also been trying to get people to be totally honest with me, this is a whole other story because if someone was being honest, I wouldn't know it for sure or not. That is what faiths for I guess. I'm trying to get everything ready, everything together, and I feel like It's not happening fast enough, paper work is filled out and sent in but I have no word about finishing results. It's just frusterating, I'm really not a patient person. I want what I want, and my heart isn't taking No as an answer. Stupid heart. Why do you gotta be so vulnerable? Letting him in and shit. What have you gotten me into? A hot mess is what. Ha, I really don't mind being a hot mess, I'm a hot mess on my own without my heart getting all up in my business. Seriously, I am gonna go buy a Soccer Ball, I always feel better while kicking a ball against a hosue over and over. I need some kind of release. Also, I am so tired right now, and I know if I layed my head down and turned off my laptop I'd fall asleep in 2 seconds, but my body is fighting with my mind again. It won't let me lay down, and for this, I'm a little annoyed. Have some self Control Emily, Give your body a run for it's money, saying this I am just realizing that I'm writing to myself in my blog. Hmmm? Interesting. Well after all, I'm just being honest.

Letting you in, Shutting him out.

I really hate being vulnerable. I hate it. I had my walls up and they were strong, and you slowly started knocking them down, getting me to open up after being hurt over and over again. I thought that my little teenage love story that I had before was the real thing, I really did. Now that i'm older I've realized that love shouldn't feel like that. Holding everything in, walking on eggshells, watching what you say because you are always scared your gonna start a fight. How is that Love? After this all I was scared to let someone in again, I AM scared. I'm scared of Broken promises and empty words. I'm scared of letting myself believe in something thats not true. I'm scared of believing in someone who isn't honest. I don't want to be someones thing that they can be possesive over or use whenever they please. I wanna be someones everything. I want texts or calls in the morning saying good morning beautiful, I want calls and texts before bed saying Sweetdreams. I want someone here at night holding me and letting me fall asleep on their arm even if I'm making it go dead. I want to be able to say anything to someone, to tell someone my fears and trust that they won't use those fears against me. I want someone to put in the effort that I put in, and to really, truely, honestly Care. Really give a shit. I let you in, I'm taking a chance, giving you the benifit of the doubt. Please, Please, Please Don't prove me wrong. I don't want to be telling myself "I told you so." And also, Give me a chance to show you I'm not like all the rest, and let me in, be vulnerable with me. We will make magic.

I would've given you all that I have..

I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. I think I know what love is, but I'm starting to wonder if its just that comfort I miss, the not having to do my hair and can just cuddle thing, I miss being used to someone. Lets be honest here, I'm 18 and have had the same boyfriend, now ex, for 5 years. I know no other life. I'm experiencing life to myself, and now my daughter alone for the first time, I'm a little scared, a little excited and a little nervous but I know we'll make it through. Sometimes I feel under apprieciated, like I just want that one person to wake up and realize how much I really do for this world and for my daughter. I want that light bulb to go off over their head and fort them to be like hey, she does make a difference in my world, maybe I should be a little nicer. You see, I want this to happen but don't see it happening, not anytime soon that is. I used to be a simple thinker thinking my crumbling excuse of a relationship would last forever, then I got my own light bulb. Why live my life trying to make something work and be miserable the entire time from it when I could've spent all that time trying to be happy in the first place. I'd be a liar if I said his words don't still get to me, If I said the hurt ful things he says to me don't make me mad and or cry, Would you call me weak? I'd call me human. I've watched women take care of men, women stay with men and these women are miserable, full of regret and just really sad. It takes alot to make them truely happy and their so called happiness is coming from all the wrong places. I don't want to be that woman, searchingher life for happiness, I have happiness, I have a daughter and friends and family who love me and i'm following my path doing what i need to, to make myself my own life. I just wish I could show you this, show you what I'm creating nad I wish you coould see it for its beauty and want to do your part to be apart of it, but you don't. and its time I come to terms with this. I'm on my own, but I'm not alone. I've got people that love me and a baby girl that I can't get enough of.

A chance.

I don't usually post my lyrics or poems because they are usually quite private, but I've decided that maybe I will share a few, even if nobody reads them, atleast I get them out there, out of me. This is just a rough draft. More needs to be added, bare with me.

               I hear your voice it's everywhere. I'm leaving now, but you don't care. I know there's such thing as happiness, maybe while I'm alone I will find it. (Instrumental)
               Inspiration comes with bliss, but my lyrics fly when I'm a mess.   I hear their whispers in the room, I know the story that they tell, I know this story far too well..
                                                                        (Instrumental)
                After all this time, it stays on my mind. I fight it off, but it strikes hard when my gaurd is down. After all this time you 'd think that I'd be fine? There are things happening, things I'm too caught up in to see. All the things that were eating away, I feel no justice has been served, My bitterness gets in the way, My bitterness clouds my soul. (Instrumental)  
                You can find a simpleness, but not unless you look for it. I never see it when it's staring me in the face, because all my past is still in the way. I hear the whispers calling me. I try to talk but instead I sing. My voice fills the air. You shut me out, but I don't care

-Emily Elizabeth Linford. (CR) meaning please do not copy.

              .

Best Friends

My Best Friend Meaghan Long just made a blog and it started getting me thinking, I have yet to post about my best friend, so here it is. My best friend is the strongest person I know. She is kind. Smart. Funny. A smart ass. Honest. Caring. Childish when you need her to be but a 40 year old in an 18 year olds body every other day. She is there to talk to, to share secrets with, to just sit on the couch and do nothing with, A person where your just happy to be around. My best friend and I have had some challenges. Boys used to be a big issue when we were younger, but together I feel we have helped each other discover that it wasn't us that were wrong, it was those boys. We've grown together, she's been there for me through the hardest times and still hasn't deserted my ass. My best friend is my sister. She is like the voice of reason in the back of my head saying, "Do you really think you should do that?" She's one of those people you are devistated to dissapoint. My best friend has been through more than most people can even imagine, and she still stands strong, she still has a smile on her face, and she kicks ass. We've been friends for all of 6 years now but to me it feels like I've known her forever. I'm extremely thankful for Miss Meaghan Long. And We have a ton more Olsen Twin Adventures in store for us in the future.

New Things in Life

I'm pretty happy with things as of now. I'm a single mom, and I feel like I'm doing pretty good at that, I'm confident in it and I love the pieces out of Emberlynn. I have a new job that I really enjoy, I like going to work, I love the people I work with and I'm not constantly stressed out. Emberlynn is turning 1 years old 2 weeks from tomorrow and I've gone and got her presents, her pictures outfit and her decorations. I feel proud of myself, I'm also putting money away for the down payment on my soon to be apartment. I feel independent and that is a truely amazing feeling. I've been singing a lot more lately which is my own personal notification that I feel happier. I have a weight off my shoulders that was there for way too long weighing me down, I'm 18 and I feel like at any moment I could take on the world. I am Super Mom, hear me Roar!