the untouchables

I have a very hard time trusting people, even the people closest too me, I always have to wonder what their true intentions are, even when they are good intentions.. I know it's because I've been hurt, and lied too and manipulated. There's only a select few that I've chosen to keep around, I forgive easily but I never forget. This is my curse. I have a wall up 24/7 and I never let anyone see behind it, because when I was younger people kept trying to tear me down. I'm talking about grown adults that had nothing better to do then break down little kids dreams to seek their long waited high school revenge or something, It's actually pretty sad. When you are little you look to your elders as examples, you want to look up to them. You want them to like you, and to love you, that's it. When you are little, all you really yearn for is to be loved and when you have that one person that breaks you down anytime they see a glimmer of happiness in your eye, its hard not to be hurt and angry all the time. It's hard to trust people who are trying to help or be nice and loving because you're just not used to it.. It's in the back of your head constantly "What's the catch?" "Why is this person being nice to me?" You are always second guessing people. ALWAYS. and that is a Damn shame. So you grow up with these thoughts in the back of your head, making this fake personality, this mask of "Nobody can hurt me" "I never cry" "What people say doesn't bother me" But it does, more than anyone knows, and they don't know that because you are telling them that you are UNTOUCHABLE all the time, you are lying to yourself all the time. People see you as this confident person, you want that. You don't want anyone to know that You had that step parent, or that friend, or that sibling that physically or mentally hurt you everyday as a child. You don't want them to know that you were jealous of all those kids that had the loving family, who got to hang out with friends or have sleepovers while you were at home sitting in the corner for hours, or alone crying yourself to sleep. You don't want people to see you differently then they do now. You don't want to be that person, you've only told family of your experiences, of your hurt and keeping it all in eats at your heart a little more everyday. That everyday of your life, you have that thought in your head eating and eating and eating at you, "How could anyone hate a child that much, that their mission in life was to see this little person suffer?" You don't feel like you were a bad child, you had friends, you were nice most of the time, you did your homework and got good grades, you did your chores. So why were you hated so much? What were you doing so wrong that everyone else wasn't doing? All you want is for your parents to love you unconditionally, your parents are supposed to be the ones praising you and pushing you to do better, rewarding you for the good things you do, making you want to be a better person, and when they don't, and instead are criticizing you and making you feel like scum no matter how hard you try, what then do you do? Your 10 years old, you feel like their is no escape and that you are all alone and nobody is on your side, Your mom doesn't believe you, You feel like your mom doesn't like you because this person claims that you are awful, that you don't listen, she doesn't see the way you are treated when she isn't home, she doesn't hear what your called when she walks out of the room, and you stay quiet, because you constantly have this fear that if you reveal any of this, she wont believe and it will back fire and make life so much worse, that you are just saying that because "You don't like him" You can't say anything to anyone else because your mom is your favorite person and you are literally terrified that you will get taken away from her, or that she will hate you for telling. They've pulled your siblings into it, they make fun of you and hurt you because they don't want that person getting mad at them and hurting them, and maybe if they are mean to me too, he will like them more? No Child... NO PERSON should ever be made to feel like they are alone, that their is no way out, that they aren't worth it. It affects them so badly, it makes it harder for them to love and to trust because they feel as though they weren't loved or trusted. Through all those years bricks get added until that little child is just a hurt bitter adult wasting away wondering when things are going to get better, when someone is really going to love them, or treat them the way deep down they know they should be treated. Times like these is when trips to visit grandparents and friends are more like safe havens then visits... This is me... and if I hadn't had a child of my own, with a chance to give her everything  I wanted as a child and protect her from everything that hurt me, I'd still be that sad little girl. My daughter breaks my wall down, gives me a reason, makes me want to give, trust and love. I made a promise to myself the day I got pregnant, that my child would never have to hurt the way I hurt, and I will do anything in my power to keep that promise. Treat your children the way you would like to be treated, love them and show them that they are loved, protect them from the hurt as much as you can, and praise them, give them a reason to try, to want to be better. Be a Parent, and Parent with love.