independent

I haven't posted in quite awhile but decided that since yesterday was thanksgiving that I would tell you all what I am thankful for. I am thankful to be a mom. To care and spend time with my little girl and give her the love she needs like all parents should. I am thankful for my amazing job. my amazing and caring bosses. knowing I have job security. my apartment. oh my cute little apartment. I love having space for just me and Emberlynn. I am thankful to be able to pay my own bills. to be able to give Emberlynn all she neefs. and that the reason I am able to do all this is from the amazing support and help I get from my family. I am thankful for every thing I have and Everyone  I have and love. I am thanlful for my independence.

What happens when you put your trust in people who are untrustworthy.

I am tired of people saying they are someone their not. Telling you all these wonderful things about themselves to pull you into their web only to later find out that there was not one thing they said to you that was the truth. If you ask someone not to hurt you and they promise, and they swear, and you wanna believe them and you wanna give them a chance so you do, You let your guard down for a split second only to regret it seconds after. I'm sick of liars, People who are scared of those of us that give our full honesty in everything we say and do, People that think we are rude or take caution to us because they are afraid of being told what they've been trying to tune themselves out too. I want once to put my faith in someone, all my trust, and for it to be worth it, for them not to take that trust and use it up and spit it back at you. I wish I could see people for who they really were before I gave them a chance. I wish I'd actually listen to my head more often because it's always right, and not listening after just makes me feel so incredibally stupid and I know I am not a stupid person. Thats what irritates me so much. I know I am smarter then this. But I fall so fast, and hard and it takes me a few minutes after to realize what it is that I've done wrong. I wanna yell at you. Tell you that your a liar and a fraud because thats honesty from my point of few, but I honestly don't see why I should. It wouldn't do a thing, It wouldn't change a thing. Your just a waste of words to me now. Just a waste of words.

how can we be friends

Feeling needed felt good for the moment it was there, then it disappeared and I realized that most everyone of them is the same, and I needed to look and make sure that if I put any effort into something that its worth it and that person is in fact different from all the rest. Unfortunetly, I have a sad lonely feeling like that won't happen soon, or ever, and that thought really makes me sad, is there really not a decent guy left out there that makes my stomach do back flips? I don't wanna settle for a just maybe. I'm tired of just Maybes. I'm only 18, I have alot ahead of me, but I've also been through more than most, I've had to grow way faster than most women my age. I'm a mom, and I want to get married and have my cute family one day. I want someone there I an call my own, that I can count on to stick around. I know the whole fairy tale love thing might be too much to ask for but I feel lost in my life and I feel like I could find someone to fill that space, to find me among this mess I've created for myself. I don't want a prince charming, I want an honest, caring person, and these days, thats far too hard to find, and my feet are getting tired from searching. I'm scared that I'm just broken and unfixable. I was hurt at too young an age and now I can't get back up from the fall. I know That I'm stronger than that but I have days where I really doubt myself and get depressed. I think alot of it is that I work so much, I don't have time to put effort into social things, and I'm young and need those social things, but my little bit of extra time I wanna spend with my daughter, and I need the hours I have to pay bills. So Conclusion on this long rant is that I'm confused, sad and lonely and I feel like instead of rescuing other people and myself it would feel damn could to be rescued for once.

Princess Emberlynn is 1!

Don't just Be. Be Honest.

I don't wanna sound like a broken record and repeat things i've posted. But i've kinda been slacking and am in the mood to write. I'm just laying in bed looking at my cute little pink laptop screen with a feeling in the pit of my stomach, like a pill in my throat. I wanna cry just for the sake of crying, yet I have nothing to cry about. I don''t like this. Emberlynns first birthday was a week ago and I really need to upload her pictures and make a post about her party. I've been on an honesty kick lately. I've been so honest, and it's bitten me in the butt here and there but I feel awesome. I've also been trying to get people to be totally honest with me, this is a whole other story because if someone was being honest, I wouldn't know it for sure or not. That is what faiths for I guess. I'm trying to get everything ready, everything together, and I feel like It's not happening fast enough, paper work is filled out and sent in but I have no word about finishing results. It's just frusterating, I'm really not a patient person. I want what I want, and my heart isn't taking No as an answer. Stupid heart. Why do you gotta be so vulnerable? Letting him in and shit. What have you gotten me into? A hot mess is what. Ha, I really don't mind being a hot mess, I'm a hot mess on my own without my heart getting all up in my business. Seriously, I am gonna go buy a Soccer Ball, I always feel better while kicking a ball against a hosue over and over. I need some kind of release. Also, I am so tired right now, and I know if I layed my head down and turned off my laptop I'd fall asleep in 2 seconds, but my body is fighting with my mind again. It won't let me lay down, and for this, I'm a little annoyed. Have some self Control Emily, Give your body a run for it's money, saying this I am just realizing that I'm writing to myself in my blog. Hmmm? Interesting. Well after all, I'm just being honest.

Letting you in, Shutting him out.

I really hate being vulnerable. I hate it. I had my walls up and they were strong, and you slowly started knocking them down, getting me to open up after being hurt over and over again. I thought that my little teenage love story that I had before was the real thing, I really did. Now that i'm older I've realized that love shouldn't feel like that. Holding everything in, walking on eggshells, watching what you say because you are always scared your gonna start a fight. How is that Love? After this all I was scared to let someone in again, I AM scared. I'm scared of Broken promises and empty words. I'm scared of letting myself believe in something thats not true. I'm scared of believing in someone who isn't honest. I don't want to be someones thing that they can be possesive over or use whenever they please. I wanna be someones everything. I want texts or calls in the morning saying good morning beautiful, I want calls and texts before bed saying Sweetdreams. I want someone here at night holding me and letting me fall asleep on their arm even if I'm making it go dead. I want to be able to say anything to someone, to tell someone my fears and trust that they won't use those fears against me. I want someone to put in the effort that I put in, and to really, truely, honestly Care. Really give a shit. I let you in, I'm taking a chance, giving you the benifit of the doubt. Please, Please, Please Don't prove me wrong. I don't want to be telling myself "I told you so." And also, Give me a chance to show you I'm not like all the rest, and let me in, be vulnerable with me. We will make magic.

I would've given you all that I have..

I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. I think I know what love is, but I'm starting to wonder if its just that comfort I miss, the not having to do my hair and can just cuddle thing, I miss being used to someone. Lets be honest here, I'm 18 and have had the same boyfriend, now ex, for 5 years. I know no other life. I'm experiencing life to myself, and now my daughter alone for the first time, I'm a little scared, a little excited and a little nervous but I know we'll make it through. Sometimes I feel under apprieciated, like I just want that one person to wake up and realize how much I really do for this world and for my daughter. I want that light bulb to go off over their head and fort them to be like hey, she does make a difference in my world, maybe I should be a little nicer. You see, I want this to happen but don't see it happening, not anytime soon that is. I used to be a simple thinker thinking my crumbling excuse of a relationship would last forever, then I got my own light bulb. Why live my life trying to make something work and be miserable the entire time from it when I could've spent all that time trying to be happy in the first place. I'd be a liar if I said his words don't still get to me, If I said the hurt ful things he says to me don't make me mad and or cry, Would you call me weak? I'd call me human. I've watched women take care of men, women stay with men and these women are miserable, full of regret and just really sad. It takes alot to make them truely happy and their so called happiness is coming from all the wrong places. I don't want to be that woman, searchingher life for happiness, I have happiness, I have a daughter and friends and family who love me and i'm following my path doing what i need to, to make myself my own life. I just wish I could show you this, show you what I'm creating nad I wish you coould see it for its beauty and want to do your part to be apart of it, but you don't. and its time I come to terms with this. I'm on my own, but I'm not alone. I've got people that love me and a baby girl that I can't get enough of.

A chance.

I don't usually post my lyrics or poems because they are usually quite private, but I've decided that maybe I will share a few, even if nobody reads them, atleast I get them out there, out of me. This is just a rough draft. More needs to be added, bare with me.

               I hear your voice it's everywhere. I'm leaving now, but you don't care. I know there's such thing as happiness, maybe while I'm alone I will find it. (Instrumental)
               Inspiration comes with bliss, but my lyrics fly when I'm a mess.   I hear their whispers in the room, I know the story that they tell, I know this story far too well..
                                                                        (Instrumental)
                After all this time, it stays on my mind. I fight it off, but it strikes hard when my gaurd is down. After all this time you 'd think that I'd be fine? There are things happening, things I'm too caught up in to see. All the things that were eating away, I feel no justice has been served, My bitterness gets in the way, My bitterness clouds my soul. (Instrumental)  
                You can find a simpleness, but not unless you look for it. I never see it when it's staring me in the face, because all my past is still in the way. I hear the whispers calling me. I try to talk but instead I sing. My voice fills the air. You shut me out, but I don't care

-Emily Elizabeth Linford. (CR) meaning please do not copy.

              .

Best Friends

My Best Friend Meaghan Long just made a blog and it started getting me thinking, I have yet to post about my best friend, so here it is. My best friend is the strongest person I know. She is kind. Smart. Funny. A smart ass. Honest. Caring. Childish when you need her to be but a 40 year old in an 18 year olds body every other day. She is there to talk to, to share secrets with, to just sit on the couch and do nothing with, A person where your just happy to be around. My best friend and I have had some challenges. Boys used to be a big issue when we were younger, but together I feel we have helped each other discover that it wasn't us that were wrong, it was those boys. We've grown together, she's been there for me through the hardest times and still hasn't deserted my ass. My best friend is my sister. She is like the voice of reason in the back of my head saying, "Do you really think you should do that?" She's one of those people you are devistated to dissapoint. My best friend has been through more than most people can even imagine, and she still stands strong, she still has a smile on her face, and she kicks ass. We've been friends for all of 6 years now but to me it feels like I've known her forever. I'm extremely thankful for Miss Meaghan Long. And We have a ton more Olsen Twin Adventures in store for us in the future.

New Things in Life

I'm pretty happy with things as of now. I'm a single mom, and I feel like I'm doing pretty good at that, I'm confident in it and I love the pieces out of Emberlynn. I have a new job that I really enjoy, I like going to work, I love the people I work with and I'm not constantly stressed out. Emberlynn is turning 1 years old 2 weeks from tomorrow and I've gone and got her presents, her pictures outfit and her decorations. I feel proud of myself, I'm also putting money away for the down payment on my soon to be apartment. I feel independent and that is a truely amazing feeling. I've been singing a lot more lately which is my own personal notification that I feel happier. I have a weight off my shoulders that was there for way too long weighing me down, I'm 18 and I feel like at any moment I could take on the world. I am Super Mom, hear me Roar!

Too Far Gone

        5 years now gone, I'm lonely but I'm not alone. There's no regrets. I'd say I missed you but that's not it. You say you're leaving but to me you already left. I'd say I'm sorry but I'll do it again. It's me who's leaving. I'll say it's fine, we'll fight and you'll "make up your mind." We've gotten crazy, I know dee pdown you hate me, and I hate who we've become. We're too far gone..
        I wanna thank you for my gift, ourdaughter is beautiful and I know it. I've never loved someone so much before, and for this I have you to thank for. 2 teens, 1 world, 1 boy and 1 sad little girl, you made it easy for me to forget why I was hurting.
        We grew, we've aged, we clean up messes we both have made. We tried so long, I'm sick of singing the same song. How did we go from love to who the hell knows? You made me happy, but I know deep down you hate me, and I hate who we've become, We're too far gone.
                            "I hear you screaming, the door slams, I'm leaving."
         I wanna thank you for my gift, our daughter is beautiful and I know it. I've never loved someone so much before, and for this I have you to thank for. 2 teens, 1 world. They grew and now there's 1 more, we made her happen, We love that she happened.
                                      Too Grown, Too wise. One baby with beautiful blue eyes.
                                              We made this happen, so glad she happened.

Education on a Roll.

I finished Dental assisting school with an A! and with a job offer before I even graduated. For this I am pretty proud of myself. I'm getting the ball rolling so that me and Emberlynn can have our own life, our own stuff, our own fun, and I'm freaking excited about this. My goal in life is for my daughter to want nothing, to have all the love in the world and know how to treat people and love them back, I never want her to feel alone, or unloved, and if I can help it she never will. My daughter is my hero, she makes me do things I never had the drive to do before. You here about mom's who get super hero like strength in situations involving their children and I believe it, just with my everyday things I feel on top of the world, when she falls and bumps her head, my adrenalin kicks in and i'm there in 2 seconds swooping her up of the ground. When I feed her and she starts choking, I have her out of the high chair and into the baby heimlick position faster than you can even say choke. Being a mother gives you strengths and emotions that you never thought were possible. When my baby hurts, I hurt, when my baby is sad, I am devistated. When my baby is happy I am so so so Happy. Being a mother is truely a gift from god.

&The Waves keep coming

I have my days. I get irritable and lazy, but I don't lie about being so perfect where I never have off days. I have days where noises set me off, people set me off, and certain voices make me want to pull my hair out. I have days. I'm not gonna put a fake smile on and pretend your my best friend if you bug the crap out of me. I already have a best friend who doesn't bug the crap out of me. If you are doing something I don't like or that I don't approve of, I'm not gonna act like I do, I will be myself, and If you start takling to me about something that you know I'm not a fan of, I'm gonna voice my opinion wether it hurts or not. I've gotten where I am by being who I am, and never taking crap from anyone. If I would've let all my haters and downers get to me I would not be where I am. I'm gonna keep fighting, my boxing gloves will be on in all my conversations just incase, and if that's too much then don't include me in your conversations, stop asking me to do things that you know I'm not okay with, and Stop being such a downer, I'm a happy person. I like to be around happy people, and I get that we all have days but if your gonna be a bitch just cause then stop talking to me, because unlike all your other friends or family that take it, or tip toe around your feelings, I won't. If you can't respect me, I am not gonna put energy into giving you my respect either. I love my daughter and I'm a damn good mom, you say something about my daughter or try to tell me how to parent it's gonna set me off, but that should be understandable, Especially when it's other parents that have done such "fantastic" jobs at raising there own kids. Leave mine alone. I'm not gonna parent like you, My kids won't end up like yours.

Its Summer, and almost Emberlynns 1st Birthday! She is so close to walking, she says a few words and she is so funny. She loves entertaining. This summer she has gone swimming, seen the fireworks and much much more.

I've always had all these words that I used to describe myself, confident, outgoing, fearless. Thats who I thought I was all these years, I recently discovered a new title, one that fits better than anyone I've ever had before, I'm mom. I'm not even just mom. I'm Emberlynn's Mom. Nothing has ever made me more proud. I'm 18 years young and have a lot to learn and a lot to do, but what I'm most confident in is being a mother to my beautiful little girl. I look at her in amazement. "I helped create her." There is no better feeling in the world to me. I've decided to take a stab at blogging again, now that I have more to say and a babies years to document. So bare with me.